Confessions of a Credit Card-o-holic

This speech is inspired by Jim McDonalds & others from Comedy Time.

How many of you would like to jump of the plane without a parachute? Just what I thought no one. [If someone raises their hand just call - we have 1/few suicidal person in the room] How many people here have 5+ credit cards? You folks should buy a parachute. Madam Toastmaster, My capitalist friends and ever so beautiful judges.

See I come from India, where they still trade in cows. Taking a loan is a very dangerous business. You need a collateral. Anything from a cow to your unborn child. You don’t have any of that, not to worry. Find an un suspecting friend, like {person1}, to sign a guarantee of your financial capability and to repay your loan, when you skip country. For those of who don’t know {person1}, be sneaky - The neighbor’s home is a valid collateral too. Take the money and run.

In America things are so much better. All they do is to pull out your credit report. It may be a bit humiliating to see the list of things you haven’t paid for, buy hey, I have had my share of D grades at school.

So, the loan officer goes through this long list and he is like

{Officer} Oh my god student loans. {Me} Ya, I know {Officer} Tell you what. We are gonna forget about those student loans. {Me} It is funny that you say that because I have done exactly the same thing. {Officer} 620 out of 800. {Me} I know. I don’t need a million-dollar home loan. {Officer} Approved. And I’ll throw in another 1000 dollars off if you sign up for gambling … I mean investment account. {Me} Why not. Will you also attach a personal loan and do a balance transfer? I really like that store card. {Officer} Why didn’t you tell me. Balance transfer can get you another 300 dollars. {Me} Wow.

The credit card is yours.

After living in America for just 3 years here are some tips from a pro- credit card-holic.

One: You can use your credit cards for almost anything. It is important to remember - “almost anything”. If you take your hot colleague to lunch - remember to pay cash even if it includes the 20% gratuity. Because if you use the card, your life will be ruined. I did not tell my wife when I bought my PS4. Wives may allow their husbands to go to the war front but a video game - no way. As soon as I swiped the card, Facebook sent me a push notification. Google decided that “I’m feeling lucky” and navigated me to IGN. Feeling is not the same as being lucky. My mailbox was full of discount coupons and my wife knew everything. My well-rehearsed 5 minute speech turned into table topics. I was never able to buy a game for the PS4.

Two : Banks love you In America an average household has $9000 dollars in credit card debt. I am way above average. Even the banks think so. Every time they send me a statement, right next to my balance, they always write the word – “Outstanding” . Last month American Express called me up and said – Mr Jain your balance has been outstanding for the last two months. Listen, I just got back from Vegas. Next month you are gonna be so proud!!!

A few days they sent me a letter that said – “Final Notice”. Thank god. I thought those guys would never give up. I wrote them a thank you note. Amount I owed you 4000 dollars. Amount I paid you 20 dollars. You not sending any more letters – priceless. I hopped onto Bank of America.

Three: Take huge loans Neighbour’s house are hacks around a much simpler concept. Pick up a house from the street. Preferably at zero down payment. Transfer your debt to it. Then wait. Wait for the prices to dip. Apart from the Silicon Valley they do eventually fall. A perfect time to flip. Your debt will be gone. This is life. Now that you are all eager to run up the bank to start the swiping journey - married men one thing to remember. Keep your credit card under a lock and a key because if your wife ever finds it - there are not enough banks to hop onto. You have been warned.

Thank you.

Video

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